


The Stars of Tomorrow

by ctrling



Series: Phan One-Shots [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 02:27:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4083160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ctrling/pseuds/ctrling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil knew it was his last day of high school, but he didn’t realize it was Dan’s, too. </p><p>or</p><p>It was Phil's last day of high school, and he was happy. The only problem was that Dan still had another year ahead of him. But they were going to make it work; at least, that's what Phil thought up until he read what Dan wrote in his yearbook.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stars of Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what possessed me to make me want to write this, but I'm sorry in advance.

Phil Lester was happy. It was the last day of his senior year, and he couldn’t have felt more jubilant. He knew that there was still more schooling to come, as he planned to go on to college, but the end of his high school years meant the beginning of his independence.

  
The only sad thing was that his boyfriend, Dan Howell, would still have a full year ahead of him. But that was a matter that they had discussed before, and they both had agreed that they would do their best to keep in touch with each other. But Phil knew it would be hard because he was going to a college out of state, and he would be swamped with a lot of homework most of the time.

  
Phil was also a positive person, so he wouldn’t let any of the negative things get to him at the moment.

  
The walk to the school was a calming experience, and he was glad that he had insisted that he walked to school. Walking cleared his brain and helped him feel more at peace, less anxious. The air was humid already, but the wind came occasionally, which helped to cool him down. The fresh air and the smell of plants and nature reminded him of when he was younger and his parents would take him on many outdoor trips, such as camping.

  
When the school was insight, he was filled with a sense of nostalgia. He was going to walk through those doors and walk through those halls for the last time. Everybody was heading in different directions, and he knew that he wouldn’t see some of these people ever again. These were sad thoughts, but he smiled right on through them, because he knew his life after high school would be better than anything high school had to offer.

  
The first thing he sought to do after entering the building was finding Dan. Knowing Dan, Phil was sure that he would be hanging around his locker until the very last second; however, once Phil reached his locker (it wasn’t too far from the entrance to the building), he noticed that Dan wasn’t there.

  
Phil pulled out his phone from his pocket and sent him a text that said: Hey, where are you? (Phil liked to include proper grammar and spelling in all of his texts, which was something that Dan found adorable.)

  
A text came only seconds later. It was from Dan: _Sry, I’m running late but should be there soon._

  
_I’ll wait_ , Phil texted back.

  
He didn’t have to wait too long though, which was good, because he wasn’t a very patient person—but he was willing to wait for Dan. Dan arrived only a few minutes after his text was sent.

  
“Hi,” he said, leaning in to give Dan a kiss, but he hug-attacked him before Phil could do anything and put his head on his shoulder.

  
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Dan mumbled into his shoulder. A few seconds later, he pulled away from Phil, looking into his eyes. “I love you so much.”

  
“I love you, too,” Phil responded through his smile. They had said it to each other multiple times before, but it never failed to bring butterflies to his stomach and a smile to his face.

  
They stood there for a few seconds, simply staring at each other, before the one minute bell chimed. Phil gave Dan a quick kiss on the lips and pulled him in for one last hug.  
“I should probably be getting to class,” he said. “I’ll find you after the block is over, okay?”

  
“Okay,” Dan said, but he wasn’t smiling and he clearly looked sad. Phil wanted to stay, but he needed to get to class and so did Dan. Dan had his last final in his first block class and so did Phil, so hanging around really wasn’t an option.

  
Phil kissed Dan on the lips one more time, just as quick as before, and then they were saying their goodbyes and he was on his way to class.

  
His first class was boring like always (he hated Math), but at the end of the period, he got his yearbook. Now, he wasn’t one who really believed in having a whole bunch of people sign it, but he did want Dan to do it, because at the end of the summer, he would be leaving and he wouldn’t get to see him for a very long time.

  
He rushed out of his class as soon as the bell rang and immediately headed in the direction of Dan’s class—which was French.

  
A few of his friends—PJ and Chris—tried to talk to him on the way, but he only offered them polite hellos and then he was off.  
Dan was leaning against the wall when he found him, but as soon as Dan spotted him, he started walking towards Phil. They met in the middle, and their arms wrapped lovingly around each other. 

“You opted out of your next class, right?” Phil said, not bothering to pull back.

  
“Yeah.”

  
“Will you sign my yearbook right now?” he asked.

“I guess,” Dan said.

  
They pulled apart and Phil handed him the hardback book. He stared at Dan as if he had grown another head. Typically, Dan was very hesitant to sign Phil’s yearbook. He thought it was a stupid tradition, because nobody ever cared about them in a few days, and then Phil would have to ask him to sign it ironically to get him to do it. It was very strange for Dan to agree so quickly without any persuasion, but Phil brushed off the suspicion he felt, deciding that Dan probably realized just how much it would mean to Phil. 

When Dan was done writing, which took a little because he wrote a lot, he handed it to Phil. “I don’t want you to read this until you get home, okay?”

  
“Okay,” Phil responded. He wanted to ask why, but he didn’t want to sound like he didn’t trust Dan, so he kept his mouth shut.

  
Once again, they were interrupted by the one minute bell.

  
Sighing, Phil said, “I should probably get to class now. I’ll text you when I get home. I love you.”

  
“I love you, too,” Dan said, but he didn’t look as put together as he had only seconds before. It was as if nerves were taking over him. Phil wanted to question it, but he really needed to get to class.

  
They kissed quickly yet again and parted ways.

  
Phil didn’t have anything to do in his final class of the day, and he could have opted out of it, but he was already at school. Plus, it was his last day of school, and he didn’t want it to feel incomplete.

Luckily, he had PJ and Chris in this class, which was art. As soon as he entered the class, he walked over to his desk, which was right next to PJ’s and Chris’. The two of them had been talking lightly, but when Phil sat down and put his yearbook on the desk, they stopped and looked at him.

  
“How come you ignored us earlier?” PJ asked.

  
Phil couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty, because Chris was going to the same college as him (which was something they had all planned out and as soon as Dan and PJ graduated, they would be going there, too). He was close with PJ and he would miss him, too, but Dan was top priority.

  
“I wanted to get to Dan as quick as possible,” he answered.

  
“I should have guessed,” PJ said, sounding sad. “You know, I still have one year left, too.”

  
“Phil just wants to spend as much time with his boyfriend as he can before he has to leave; let him,” Chris said, sounding really sweet. But because he was Chris, he had to follow it up by something perverted. Wiggling his eyebrows, he said, “He only has a few months to get in enough sex to last him for a while.”

  
“Chris!” Phil said, yelling in a whispered tone, not wanting to attract the attention of any students.

  
“What?” he asked innocently. “I was only saying the truth.”

  
They continued their banter for much of the block, but by the end of it all, Phil was too distracted to say anything. He was really curious about what Dan had written in his yearbook. He knew he should have waited until he got home, like Dan had told him to, but Dan wasn’t there and what Dan didn’t know wouldn’t kill him. 

With that out of the way, he opened the book without any hesitancy and began to read it.

  
_I’m sorry. When I came to school this morning, I promised myself that I would break up with you, but then I saw you and I thought that I would be able to live another day. But the truth is, as much as I love you and as happy as you make me feel, I can’t bring myself to live and be happy. I know I should have broken up with you the second I decided that I was going to kill myself, but I couldn’t do it. I’m selfish, and I wanted my last memories to be filled with you. I’m sorry, and I love you, but I can’t do this anymore._  
_—Dan_

  
Tears began to fall from his eyes and run down his cheeks. His heartbeat sped up, and everything clicked together. He understood why Dan had agreed to write in his yearbook quickly, because Dan wanted to write down his suicide note. Dan had insisted that he not read it until he got home because he didn’t want Phil to be able to stop him. It felt like his whole world was crashing down around him, and sobbing sounds left him without permission.

  
“What’s wrong?” somebody asked, but his mind was a blur and he wasn’t listening clearly enough to hear who it was. It was probably PJ or Chris.

  
“I think Dan’s going to kill himself.” He said the words—he knows he did—but he heard them as if they came from somebody else’s mouth.

  
Without even thinking, he got out of his seat, and ignoring the calls of his teacher, he ran out of the class room. Once in the hall, he got out his phone and found Dan’s contact. Failing to choke back his sobs, he held the phone up to his ear. It rang and it rang. Dan didn’t answer.

  
Not wasting any time, he dialed 911. Just as he was doing that, PJ and Chris ran out of the room, holding his yearbook. Both of them had tears in the eyes, and he knew that they had read it. But he didn’t have time to dwell on that.

  
“This is 911. What’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

  
“I think my boyfriend’s trying to kill himself. He left me a suicide note in my yearbook about an hour ago,” he mumbled, his words said through sobs and hiccups. After the person on the other line asked for the address, Phil gave it to her and then hung up.

  
“Did Dan ever tell you that he was depressed?” PJ asked, sounding worried and dejected.

  
“No, god, I knew he had his moments, but I didn’t realize . . .” Phil said, and he didn’t bother to finish his sentence. “I have to get to his house right now.”

  
“We’re going with you.”

  
All three of them ran out the school. A few staff members tried to ask them where they were going, but it was the last day of school and it was easy enough for them to slip out.  
Unlike the walk to the school, the run to Dan’s house was not calming. With each step Phil took, his anxiety and sadness grew. His body was shaking, and his thoughts were coherent. He kept blaming himself, asking himself questions about how didn’t he realize and then he would call himself a bad boyfriend and a bad person. And the running never seemed to stop.

  
When they arrived at the house, approximately eight minutes later, the ambulance was already there. Phil burst through the front door and ran up to Dan’s room. He was lying in a pool of his own blood on the floor on his room with an empty pill bottle right next to him, and the people from the ambulance were crouched down around him. Phil didn’t have to go any closer to realize that Dan was dead; he had slit his wrists and he was gone.

  
“WHY?” he yelled, collapsing. His body was wracked with sobs, and he felt dead inside. “How didn’t I notice? How come I didn’t know?” His words were incoherent for the most part, and neither PJ nor Chris bothered to console him. They were both shedding tears of their own. Phil pounded his fists against the ground, repeating why over and over again. He must have looked crazy. He felt crazy.

  
Eventually, the people made them leave the house, and they put Dan on a stretcher. It physically hurt Phil to see his boyfriend—could he even call him that now?—covered in blood and looking so lifeless. It also made him feel ignorant, naïve, stupid. He should have known, but he didn’t. He didn’t pay attention to Dan (who he loved so much) and now he was gone.

  
Phil didn’t think he would be happy ever again. Dan was as much a part of him as he was. PJ and Chris were good friends, but Dan was the only one he could stay up late with and talk to about meaningless crap. Dan was the only one he cuddled with when he was tired or didn’t feel good. But Dan was gone and so was a part of Phil.

  
He had known it was going to be his last day of high school, but he didn’t realize it was going to be Dan’s, too. By this time the next day, if the old tale was true, Dan would be just another star in the sky. 


End file.
